URG!!!!

So, I'm at home being bored. I'm wondering if there is something wrong with me or not... or what the hell is going on anymore.



Lets see, I've given up on looking for a guy for a while... Reason why, the last year or two, Every time I've decided I actually really liked a guy, he's decided he likes one of my female friends who is younger, skinnier & prettier than me. What is it? Once you hit 22 your no longer attractive. Or is it that I'm not as small as my best female friend? I'll tell you what I used to be alot bigger than I am now. And its been hard to get to where I am now.

Anyway, one of my guy friends told me that its not because they're younger, prettier or skinnier than me... That it is because they're upbeat and happy.. I say not so. They can be in a crabby mood, look like they've had a bad week and appearently they're still more attractive than me or something.

I can't help it that I'm not like so many other girls out there trying to lead a guy on, just so she can see what she can get out of them. I don't like leading guys on. It's horrible. If I even think I've started to lead a guy on I start feeling guilty. I don't like guilt its very uncomfortable.

Maybe, my problem is I'm slightly old fashioned in the fact that I would like to get to know a guy first. That and the fact that I'm not looking to just go out and sleep with someone...



On to the other thing that's been bugging me tonight. This is the second weekend in a row that I've been ditched. And tonight was the second night in a row I've been ditched. I try really hard to understand but its getting harder. It's gotten really important to me to have a social life because I'm trying to not fall into a bout of depression but, I think I'm already there. I've been trying to not be particularly 'female' about this.

So, here is an important question. To game or not to game? OR To hang out or not to hang out? Maybe that really is the question. Hell, most of the time I don't know which way is up anymore. With so many things happening around me. Is it so bad to want some sort of stability? And where is this coming from? Where is usually comes from.. FRUSTRATION. I'm frustrated because I put aside time to do this, that, or the other thing with people and it friggin doesn't happen. Honestly all it says to me is that I think enough of you to make plans but your not important enough to follow through.



Heh, and people wonder why I'm not friggin chipper all the damned time! Come on people you can only be shat on so many times before it affects your self-esteem and self-worth.

Improved...

...But still has a ton of potential.







This is just one of a few edited versions of this picture.
First, I Cropped it, cutting out a window sill and most of the file cabinet.
Second, I changed the Color Temperature. Now the coloring is closer to how I remember it.
Third, I used a Soft Focus on it. It gives it a kind of dreamy feeling.

Before Picture

This picture is of their first drink together.